Wednesday, 17 August 2016

10 Shit Films

Oh Hello. Yes I'm alive. Yes I've still been watching far too much television. So much that I haven't even known how to write about it. Or anything really. I should be working on my novel, or one of my short stories. I should be working on some art that maybe someone might like to buy so I can buy myself fancy things like pizza and Dr Pepper. It would probably be more productive for me to finally finish Skyrim. But still. I watch a lot of movies. Netflix, Stan and I are in a serious relationship together.

Instead of writing something new, I present to you a piece I wrote for the Long Gone Loser Zine earlier this year. If you go bug Damo over at the website or maybe you could email him at damomusclecar at hotmail dot com and he could hook you up with either a digital or physical copy of the zine (I have no idea if there are physical copies left)

So after that long winded intro, enjoy some quick reviews of 10 shitty films that I have enjoyed (or not) over the past year.

1. Don’t Blink (2014) (Oh hey look, this gem again.)
Ok I’m not going to lie, I knew this movie was going to be terrible. Its starring Brian Austin Green and it came out in 2014. There is no way this movie was ever going to be good. Still at least I thought it was going to be funny bad. It wasn’t, it was just boring. I didn’t learn anyone’s name. I didn’t care if anyone lived or died. What was the significance of it suddenly getting cold? We’ll never know. I fell asleep so maybe I missed the part where they explained that. Don’t bother.

2. Blood Glacier (2013)
Again I knew this was going to be terrible. But how can you go wrong with that title? It just sounded ridiculous enough. But blah blah blah global warming blah blah blah glacier of blood blah blah blah mutating animals attacking people but its not scary or funny. I got bored and ended up watching a documentary on the Night of the Living Dead which was much more interesting. Learning is always fun right?

3. Open Windows (2014)
This had promise, and I did like it a bit actually. I’d seen a trailer online about a year ago, it’s got Wee Elijah Wood in it, I like him, you like him. Yeah why not. It was filmed in an interesting way, most of the story unfolds on Wee Elijah’s laptop screen. Kind of original (though kind of not because I’ve heard of this happening a few other times.. Damo says I need to watch the Den). It lost me a little towards the end, I tuned out a bit while checking up on my cats on Neko Atsume (you get it) and then its kind of like “HUH WHAT” and the ending sort of ruined the whole movie. Though I’m not really sure what would have been a good ending?

4. The Ring (2002)
You know how sometimes it seems like a good idea to revisit a movie that you thought was good when you were a teenager? Yeah that’s never a good idea, don’t do that.

5. 8 Mile (2002)
I was out with some friends and as we were leaving the bar they started playing “Lose Yourself” and I was all “Fuck Yeah! I’m going to go watch 8 Mile when I get home.” I wasn’t even drunk, I really have no excuse for that lapse of judgement. As I started watching I thought “How come Eminem didn’t make anymore movies?” but by the end I was all “oh this is why.” It was late so I watched this one with the volume down fairly low and the subtitles on. I never realized that he actually does say “Mom’s Spaghetti” I thought that was just a tumblr making fun of it thing. No no he really does. I don’t understand Brittany Murphy’s character. Ooh the steel works is so sexy, its only a few minutes till the other men get back from their break, oh baby lets fuck here. Um ok? Kim Basinger is great though. I still love that line “Rabbit, he won’t go down on me.”

6. Glory Daze (1995)
On a podcast that no one ever heard because of technical difficulties we were discussing movies with great soundtracks. The usual suspects were named, Mallrats, Empire Records, High Fidelity and then of course I mentioned Glory Daze. It turned out that Damo had never seen it, so we got some pizza and fixed that. Glory Daze is one of those movies that really could have been great, there was just something about the story that wasn’t quite tight enough.  It was written by Rich Wilkes who also wrote Airheads. And Airheads is awesome so I’m not quite sure what went wrong.  It’s worth checking out though for the soundtrack which was composed by Warren Fitzgerald (yes from the Vandals) and Joe Escalante (also from the Vandals) was a music supervisor. It’s also funny when Ben Affleck pretends that he likes Screeching Weasel and NoFX. Funny enough? I’m not sure. Oh just go buy the soundtrack.

7. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans. (2009)
No shitty movie list is complete without a flick starring everyone’s favourite actor Nicolas Cage. He’s not yours? Oh well he’s one of mine. My friend and I were having our yearly Nic Cage night (we’d have it more often but we’re really slack at organizing these things) and decided on his remake of Bad Lieutenant. It was weird, it took Nic almost the whole movie to start wigging out.  He was actually playing it straight, like he might win an award or something. Oh Nic. Only the Razzies for you. Don’t worry though, you not only stole the declaration of independence, you also stole my heart. If you do want to watch a Nic Cage movie that he plays mostly straight and is actually good I’d recommend checking out Joe. Joe is the only movie that I have ever seen at the Melbourne International Film Festival. As you have probably guessed I’m a very cultured kind of girl.

8. Robocop 2 (1990)
Maybe you’re asking yourself why is Robocop 2 here? Robocop 2 is amazing. All those people out there that say sequels are always shit, you’re wrong. Ghostbusters 2, Terminator 2 and of course, ROBOCOP 2. This film is definitely the good kind of shitty. I hadn’t seen this movie since I was 7 years old. All I could remember was the evil Robocop squeezing some girl’s head and killing her and then the good Robocop ripping the evil Robocop’s  brains out. That’s still the best part of the movie. It’s not even a spoiler. It’s a dark and goofy look at the future (or present?). You’ll love it.  Watch the first Robocop while you’re at it. I can’t comment on Robocop 3 yet (it’s on my to watch list, right up there with Damo’s recommendation of Pig Hunt), but I can advise you not to bother with the reboot unless you’re having trouble sleeping.

9. Raise Your Voice (2004)
When this movie came out one of my sisters (I have four of them) and I took our youngest sister to the cinema. She was maybe 6 or 7 at the time and a huge Lizzie Maguire fan. When Hilary Duff’s brother dies in the car accident at the beginning my sister started crying and wouldn’t stop. We made her stay in the cinema and watch the entire movie. It’s possible she cried in the car all the way home too. I’m the best big sister ever.

10. The Last Witch Hunter (2015)
Ok this movie is actually really rad  and fun and I didn’t watch it on Netflix because it only just came out on blu-ray. But I think this is an appropriate time to say I love Vin Diesel. From the bottom of my heart. Vin can I come and play Dungeons & Dragons with you? I’m a druid named Joan, I’ve got a bag of magic glitter and a grizzly bear. Pretty sure we could help you and Kaulder out.

10 Shit Films 2: Electric Boogaloo is coming to a screen to you soon!

Friday, 25 September 2015

Don't Blink-182

Actually maybe you should because well I don't know about you but I'm super keen now that Matt Skiba has joined the band. Skeebz telling fart and dick jokes? Blink 182 singing about satan and death? Oh yes please.

But that's not what this post is about.

This post is about a movie I watched recently titled "Don't Blink" (2014). I'm just trying to relate the movie back to punk rock in a really bad way. Sorry. I'll work on that.

Lets start with the trailer for "Don't Blink" which I didn't watch before I watched it.

Maybe I should have. Maybe then I could have had that hour and a half of my life back.

I had a tinder date that I had ditched to stay in. Netflix and chill by myself seemed like such a better idea than going for a drink or two with a potential snorezo (spoiler alert, I rescheduled my date and yeah he was boring just like this movie.) What to watch though? How about a horror movie starring that 90210 heartthrob Brian Austin Green. Can't go wrong there right? I wasn't expecting anything brilliant, but I thought maybe it might be at least a little bit entertaining or even so bad it was funny?


This movie is low budget. And thats not always a bad thing, I love a good low budget film. Low budget can be done so well. Sometimes I think having less money can result in a better movie, it makes the filmmakers really have to be creative. Or it can also result in a movie that is hilariously bad. Both are excellent outcomes that I won't complain about.

This movie had potential. Its a great story for a low budget film, and it was kind of executed well.The story itself is pretty basic. A group of boring friends go away for a boring trip together and one by one they all just vanish in to thin air. The way they had them vanish was kind of neat. Someone ducks down to get something and bam they're gone, thats it no trace of them. It works really well with the budget. This could have been great.

What I wasn't expecting from this film was the fact that it would take over half an hour for anything to actually happen. That was one of their big mistakes. Lots of looking around and seeing no one is there, some spooky messages that they all seem to miss that is supposed to be scary. And then of course the fact that they all have to constantly keep updating each other on how they didn't see anything. Is this supposed to build tension? Because I've already seen that there is no one there, you don't need to tell me as well.

I actually fell asleep.

Once things start happening and it stops repeating itself, well it does get a bit more interesting. But not much. I admit fell asleep a few times. Lots of screaming girls getting all upset that their friends are going missing, angry men wanting to leave the cabin, but they can't because the cars are running out of fuel or something. I don't know. Of course no one has any cell reception.

Horror movie writers must hate that cell phones are such a thing now. Previously it was so convenient that no one could call the cops. Now they have to explain "oh there is no reception" and the audience just sits there and goes "Oh really? YEAH RIGHT." C'mon guys. You can think of a better reason for your characters to be unable to call for help.

So I liked the story. I really did, I've been thinking about it a bit in the week since I've watched it. But it was just the bare bones of the story. No one bothered the flesh it out.  There was never any explanation as to why anyone was disappearing, they just were. Come on give me a bit of resolution, give me reason to think this might spread or whatever. GIVE ME SOMETHING.

Also this movie needed a bit of editing, there were just a lot of pointless scenes, or they were dragged out too long, as I said it took far too long for anything to happen. I think they were trying to establish the characters (who were just really dull, I did not care about any of them, not even David Brian) and build suspense but I didn't bother to learn anyones names, it was really boring, we actually got to watch them all drive there for like 10 minutes or so. Snoozefest. Movies don't have to go for the standard minimum of 1hr 30mins. I've seen some great movies that go for a little over an hour, they could have done this. Maybe this movie might have actually been a little suspenseful then, I'm not sure if it could ever be considered scary.

What was the significance of it getting suddenly really cold? It was never explained, it was just there. That just really doesn't make sense to me. If you're going to introduce something to the plot make sure there is a reason why its there. If not cut it out. It doesn't matter, its not moving the story in any way.

To sum it up. Don't Blink and don't bother. Watch something else.

I give this movie one closing of my eyes and never opening them again out of five. Sorry David Brian, even my love of Beverly Hills 90210 couldn't save this one. Maybe you should go back to hanging out at the Peach Pit or trying to be a dj or something.

I should have just continued on with my Criminal Minds marathon.

What the eff is going on here?

I've been toying with blogging about the media I consume for years now, but only recently have I decided to actually make this a real thing. I've always watched movies, I watch all kinds of genres and  every week I co-host a podcast with my friends called the Long Gone Loser Rock show. And every week without fail my co host Damo asks me "Peta what did you watch this week?" because well lets face it, my tv is pretty much always on. I'm always watching a tv show or a movie. Netflix is basically my best friend right now.

This blog title comes from the screeching weasel album "Television City Dream". Music is a big part of my life and well I'm going to combine it all. I'm going to try and mostly blog about tv and movies, but I'm sure I'll write about other things as well. Somehow between all the watching, music, and art school,  I also find time to read a lot as well.

Just so you know there is most likely going to be spelling and grammar mistakes. Yeah I write, but I do it in a totally different way to how I blog. I'm not going to print off double spaced copies of every entry and hand edit it before I post it here (thats how I edit btw). Sorry. You can deal with it. I'm sure Damo will alert me to any glaringly large boo boos (official university term right there) anyways.

If you have any suggestions for movies I should watch feel free to comment on any of the posts or you can drop me an email at petatronart at gmail dot com.