Instead of writing something new, I present to you a piece I wrote for the Long Gone Loser Zine earlier this year. If you go bug Damo over at the website or maybe you could email him at damomusclecar at hotmail dot com and he could hook you up with either a digital or physical copy of the zine (I have no idea if there are physical copies left)
So after that long winded intro, enjoy some quick reviews of 10 shitty films that I have enjoyed (or not) over the past year.
1. Don’t Blink (2014) (Oh hey look, this gem again.)
Ok I’m not
going to lie, I knew this movie was going to be terrible. Its starring Brian
Austin Green and it came out in 2014. There is no way this movie was ever going
to be good. Still at least I thought it was going to be funny bad. It wasn’t,
it was just boring. I didn’t learn anyone’s name. I didn’t care if anyone lived
or died. What was the significance of it suddenly getting cold? We’ll never
know. I fell asleep so maybe I missed the part where they explained that. Don’t
bother.
2. Blood
Glacier (2013)
Again I knew
this was going to be terrible. But how can you go wrong with that title? It
just sounded ridiculous enough. But blah blah blah global warming blah blah
blah glacier of blood blah blah blah mutating animals attacking people but its
not scary or funny. I got bored and ended up watching a documentary on the
Night of the Living Dead which was much more interesting. Learning is always
fun right?
3. Open Windows
(2014)
This had
promise, and I did like it a bit actually. I’d seen a trailer online about a
year ago, it’s got Wee Elijah Wood in it, I like him, you like him. Yeah why
not. It was filmed in an interesting way, most of the story unfolds on Wee
Elijah’s laptop screen. Kind of original (though kind of not because I’ve heard
of this happening a few other times.. Damo says I need to watch the Den). It
lost me a little towards the end, I tuned out a bit while checking up on my
cats on Neko Atsume (you get it) and then its kind of like “HUH WHAT” and the
ending sort of ruined the whole movie. Though I’m not really sure what would
have been a good ending?
4. The Ring (2002)
You know how sometimes it seems like a good idea to revisit
a movie that you thought was good when you were a teenager? Yeah that’s never a
good idea, don’t do that.
5. 8 Mile (2002)
I was out with some friends and as we were leaving the bar
they started playing “Lose Yourself” and I was all “Fuck Yeah! I’m going to go
watch 8 Mile when I get home.” I wasn’t even drunk, I really have no excuse for
that lapse of judgement. As I started watching I thought “How come Eminem
didn’t make anymore movies?” but by the end I was all “oh this is why.” It was
late so I watched this one with the volume down fairly low and the subtitles
on. I never realized that he actually does say “Mom’s Spaghetti” I thought that
was just a tumblr making fun of it thing. No no he really does. I don’t
understand Brittany Murphy’s character. Ooh the steel works is so sexy, its
only a few minutes till the other men get back from their break, oh baby lets
fuck here. Um ok? Kim Basinger is great though. I still love that line “Rabbit,
he won’t go down on me.”
6. Glory Daze (1995)
On a podcast that no one ever heard because of technical
difficulties we were discussing movies with great soundtracks. The usual
suspects were named, Mallrats, Empire Records, High Fidelity and then of course
I mentioned Glory Daze. It turned out that Damo had never seen it, so we got
some pizza and fixed that. Glory Daze is one of those movies that really could
have been great, there was just something about the story that wasn’t quite
tight enough. It was written by Rich
Wilkes who also wrote Airheads. And Airheads is awesome so I’m not quite sure
what went wrong. It’s worth checking out
though for the soundtrack which was composed by Warren Fitzgerald (yes from the
Vandals) and Joe Escalante (also from the Vandals) was a music supervisor. It’s
also funny when Ben Affleck pretends that he likes Screeching Weasel and NoFX.
Funny enough? I’m not sure. Oh just go buy the soundtrack.
7. Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans.
(2009)
No shitty movie list is complete without a
flick starring everyone’s favourite actor Nicolas Cage. He’s not yours? Oh well
he’s one of mine. My friend and I were having our yearly Nic Cage night (we’d
have it more often but we’re really slack at organizing these things) and
decided on his remake of Bad Lieutenant. It was weird, it took Nic almost the
whole movie to start wigging out. He was
actually playing it straight, like he might win an award or something. Oh Nic.
Only the Razzies for you. Don’t worry though, you not only stole the
declaration of independence, you also stole my heart. If you do want to watch a
Nic Cage movie that he plays mostly straight and is actually good I’d recommend
checking out Joe. Joe is the only movie that I have ever seen at the Melbourne
International Film Festival. As you have probably guessed I’m a very cultured
kind of girl.
8. Robocop 2 (1990)
Maybe you’re asking yourself why is Robocop 2
here? Robocop 2 is amazing. All those people out there that say sequels are
always shit, you’re wrong. Ghostbusters 2, Terminator 2 and of course, ROBOCOP
2. This film is definitely the good kind of shitty. I hadn’t seen this movie
since I was 7 years old. All I could remember was the evil Robocop squeezing
some girl’s head and killing her and then the good Robocop ripping the evil
Robocop’s brains out. That’s still the
best part of the movie. It’s not even a spoiler. It’s a dark and goofy look at
the future (or present?). You’ll love it. Watch the first Robocop while you’re at it. I
can’t comment on Robocop 3 yet (it’s on my to watch list, right up there with
Damo’s recommendation of Pig Hunt), but I can advise you not to bother with the
reboot unless you’re having trouble sleeping.
9. Raise Your Voice (2004)
When this movie came out one of my sisters (I
have four of them) and I took our youngest sister to the cinema. She was maybe
6 or 7 at the time and a huge Lizzie Maguire fan. When Hilary Duff’s brother
dies in the car accident at the beginning my sister started crying and wouldn’t
stop. We made her stay in the cinema and watch the entire movie. It’s possible
she cried in the car all the way home too. I’m the best big sister ever.
10. The Last Witch Hunter (2015)
Ok this movie is actually really rad and fun and I didn’t watch it on Netflix
because it only just came out on blu-ray. But I think this is an appropriate
time to say I love Vin Diesel. From the bottom of my heart. Vin can I come and
play Dungeons & Dragons with you? I’m a druid named Joan, I’ve got a bag of
magic glitter and a grizzly bear. Pretty sure we could help you and Kaulder out.
10 Shit Films 2: Electric Boogaloo is coming to a screen to you soon!
10 Shit Films 2: Electric Boogaloo is coming to a screen to you soon!
